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Response to "Desperate to Help"

1/5/2013

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DEAR MILLY,
 
Thank you for sharing the post
"Desperate to Help." I agree that it starts with an open mind. That is often times very difficult to do with things and circumstances that we  do not not understand or refuse to accept brcause of our own fears, personal convictions, religious views or lack of acceptance to that which we cannot understand. Being in strong denial about their son is the reality for most transgenderd folks, whether they be young or old.
 
How can this be? Why? Not my child.. These may be some of the things they are saying to themselves over and over again. I will make a strong point on behalf of the child. Most if not all transgendered persons have  and often state some type of "knowing" since early childhood. Dont ask me how, but, we know. It doesnt necessarily have to be connected to any life event. Some people like to connect the dots with what ever may have been "missing" in the childs life so that it can make sense to them. ( the parent or family loved ones.) What they can't understand is the why and how come because who they are and who they feel they are on the inside match. It's congruent. They don't feel trapped with who they are on the outside and who they are on the inside. This is what I refer to as the struggle. The child is "acting" on their true feelings about who they REALLY feel they are. It's only when we are told and "shamed" about it being wrong that we begin to question ourselves against the rest of the world. This sets up a whole new world of problems mentally, socially and developementaly for the child. His behavior and defiance towards others, not fitting in socially with his peers is because he doesn't feel like he fits in as he is supposed to according to his parents, society and even his peers. This leads to anger, shame and avoidance because being someone who you are not is uncomfortable and awkward. He will continue to act out and be angry as long as he feels trapped in his body and circumstances. His autism and developemental problems already make it difficult to try and function in a society that is not equipped to deal with that either. The dysphoria fuels his autism and develemental issues.
 

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Desperate to Help

11/6/2012

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DEAR MILLY,

Our son who is 15 has expressed desire and determination to have a sex change operation to become a girl.  He obsesses about it.  He has demonstrated an interest in cross dressing for several years, but we thought it was just a curiosity phase he was going through.  Unfortunately, we don't really support his desire, because we feel that he doesn't have any idea of  the consequences he will have to face if he pursues this fantasy.

Our son also suffers from ADHD and mild autism spectrum disorder.  He is on medication for these diagnoses, and cannot function without the medication.  He is socially inept with his peers, very immature and has no friends.  He shuns social situation; when he is put in a situation with his peers, he will always do something that brings negative attention on himself.  He is in counseling now; however, it does not seem that counseling is having any effect.  He is disruptive within our family - always creating friction among his siblings.  He has a very low self image and makes very poor choices in almost ever area of his life.

We are desperate to know how to help him. We love him dearly but feel powerless to help.  What is the best approach to take for our son?

- DESPERATE TO HELP



DEAR DESPERATE TO HELP, 

I feel the frustration and pain between the lines of your note.  Your have taken a courageous action by speaking up and seeking for answers.  Undoubtedly you will be led to a "grayer area" as to what's really going on within your son's inner world.
 
I spoke with a professional member from the World Professional Association for Transgender Health, and he recommended that I watch
Our America with Lisa Ling - Transgender Child: A Parent's Difficult Choice, originally broadcast on the Oprah Winfrey Network. I'm posting it here in hopes that it will be a first small step in helping you figure out what you want to do. 
My advice is based on my life experiences. From them, I have learned that an open mind is the greatest tool we can arm ourselves with. It has always been the best first step for any challenge I have faced. Remember - these things take time, but if you can give yourself the gift of an open mind, you will already have started to help your son.

Love and Life, 

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Mr. Oops

10/8/2012

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DEAR MILLY,

I have recently found myself getting closer to God and more spiritual due to changes in my life that I know I need to make. With that said I have a brother and we have went down some very similar roads in life and alot of them aren't the right roads. I have extended an invite to my brother to start down that path with me and I have invited him to go on a mens retreat. He did agree. Over the past week I have been sending him, my mom, dad, and sister emails letting them know how I have spiritually grew. I haven't got much feedback besides my sisters. Me and my sister have been looking for a plane ticket to get my brother here for the retreat. Meanwhile I have told my mom and my brother to look as well. Neither one of them have looked. I just recieved an email from my mom saying that maybe I need to back off from my brother with my spiritual thoughts because I may be scaring him. It's very very frustrating for me and I know it is for my sister. Any thoughts, Dear Milly?

- MR. OOPS


DEAR MR. OOPS,
 
Although you and your brother have shared parallel rough patches in the past, you two have obviously grown up and apart in many ways.  Being invited to the man's retreat with you will be an eye opening opportunity for him.  However, whether he attends the retreat, and whether it becomes a turning point in his life is 
not up to you. 
 
When you are 
not ready to give your whole self to someone, as a brother, mentor, trainer, parent, provider, caregiver . . . you will most likely end up pulling yourself backwards. 
 
You make it sound like your family is purposely ignoring your good intentions to help your brother get on with his life.  Your mother and your brother's hesitancy is a clear stop-sign. If you can see that stop sign and are willing to listen to it, it will keep you from pushing your brother too far, because only he can decide his pace and direction. Just remember, no matter what, you will be dear to your brother forever. 
 
So the moral of the story is: it's time for you to back off. If your brother doesn't choose your path, you must fill that "empty spot" with self-love and endless self-assurance. And if your brother does join you, welcome him with open arms. After all, God IS love! 


Love and life,
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Dear Milly in Dallas Morning News!

8/10/2011

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Our very own Milly was in the Dallas Morning News today - highlighted for her "Dear Milly" advice column in Live Wright. We are so proud of her! 

Check it out in your newspaper today, or online here: 
http://www.dallasnews.com/news/columnists/deborah-fleck/20110810-asian-culture-and-community-plano-resident-to-give-back.ece
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Addicted to Pills

3/5/2011

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DEAR MILLY,

I have struggled with what I see as a very addictive personality since I can remember. It started the first time I was in the hospital at 17 years old, and I started to get addicted to pain meds they gave me in the hospital. I spent my 20s in a drug induced fog, covering up pain and escaping reality. I have always tried to analyze myself and continue asking myself why I do this. What is so crappy in my life that I need to escape it? I never had an answer besides just being addicted to the feeling.

When I reached my 30's, I moved away from the scene. I guess you would call it going sober for a couple years. But, now I still struggle with prescription medicine. If I know a friend or person who takes a certain speed (aderol) or pain killer (vicodin), I will soon, in my sneaky addictive ways, end up with a few pills in my pocket. I don't have to have it but if I know it is around or easy to get then I will get it. 

Another big thing in my life is feeling that I am living a very hypocritical life, in the sense that I am involved in positive organizations and I preach to people on how to stay motivated and how to live a healthy life, but at the same time I will turn my back and self-distruct. I feel that if I can control and fix my addiction then there will be endless amounts of motivation behind me in the organizations that I am part of. I do see great potential in myself. 

I live in guilt. I always have. Well, lets start there.

-ADDICTED TO PILLS


DEAR ADDICTED TO PILLS,

Having the courage to admit the battle you have been dealing with is a KEY step towards withdrawing from it.

Your addictive personally has something to do with drug residuals stored in the fatty tissue of your body, causing your pill cravings. The fact that you are also addicted to your guilty conscience leads you to add more residuals into your body, in order to numb the pain of self-destructing your "great potential." 


The good news is: you do NOT have an addiction yet. Which means that NOW is a crucial time to build up your self-trust.

Here are a few key actions to help you start turning your behavior patterns around:
1) Keep expressing your pain to someone you respect – getting outside help
2) Stay away from friends who lend you a hand with pills (whether they mean to or not) – breaking the cycle
3) Focus on one or two positive organizations so that you can harness your passion to help others – enhancing quality of life

Love and Life,

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