DEAR MILLY,
Thank you for sharing the post "Desperate to Help." I agree that it starts with an open mind. That is often times very difficult to do with things and circumstances that we do not not understand or refuse to accept brcause of our own fears, personal convictions, religious views or lack of acceptance to that which we cannot understand. Being in strong denial about their son is the reality for most transgenderd folks, whether they be young or old.
How can this be? Why? Not my child.. These may be some of the things they are saying to themselves over and over again. I will make a strong point on behalf of the child. Most if not all transgendered persons have and often state some type of "knowing" since early childhood. Dont ask me how, but, we know. It doesnt necessarily have to be connected to any life event. Some people like to connect the dots with what ever may have been "missing" in the childs life so that it can make sense to them. ( the parent or family loved ones.) What they can't understand is the why and how come because who they are and who they feel they are on the inside match. It's congruent. They don't feel trapped with who they are on the outside and who they are on the inside. This is what I refer to as the struggle. The child is "acting" on their true feelings about who they REALLY feel they are. It's only when we are told and "shamed" about it being wrong that we begin to question ourselves against the rest of the world. This sets up a whole new world of problems mentally, socially and developementaly for the child. His behavior and defiance towards others, not fitting in socially with his peers is because he doesn't feel like he fits in as he is supposed to according to his parents, society and even his peers. This leads to anger, shame and avoidance because being someone who you are not is uncomfortable and awkward. He will continue to act out and be angry as long as he feels trapped in his body and circumstances. His autism and developemental problems already make it difficult to try and function in a society that is not equipped to deal with that either. The dysphoria fuels his autism and develemental issues.
Thank you for sharing the post "Desperate to Help." I agree that it starts with an open mind. That is often times very difficult to do with things and circumstances that we do not not understand or refuse to accept brcause of our own fears, personal convictions, religious views or lack of acceptance to that which we cannot understand. Being in strong denial about their son is the reality for most transgenderd folks, whether they be young or old.
How can this be? Why? Not my child.. These may be some of the things they are saying to themselves over and over again. I will make a strong point on behalf of the child. Most if not all transgendered persons have and often state some type of "knowing" since early childhood. Dont ask me how, but, we know. It doesnt necessarily have to be connected to any life event. Some people like to connect the dots with what ever may have been "missing" in the childs life so that it can make sense to them. ( the parent or family loved ones.) What they can't understand is the why and how come because who they are and who they feel they are on the inside match. It's congruent. They don't feel trapped with who they are on the outside and who they are on the inside. This is what I refer to as the struggle. The child is "acting" on their true feelings about who they REALLY feel they are. It's only when we are told and "shamed" about it being wrong that we begin to question ourselves against the rest of the world. This sets up a whole new world of problems mentally, socially and developementaly for the child. His behavior and defiance towards others, not fitting in socially with his peers is because he doesn't feel like he fits in as he is supposed to according to his parents, society and even his peers. This leads to anger, shame and avoidance because being someone who you are not is uncomfortable and awkward. He will continue to act out and be angry as long as he feels trapped in his body and circumstances. His autism and developemental problems already make it difficult to try and function in a society that is not equipped to deal with that either. The dysphoria fuels his autism and develemental issues.
He may have been born premature. I was born premature and had difficulty with certain things when it came to regular classroom settings. If that's the case, the usual way to cope is by avoidance. That's another reason whay he may be struggling in school and also feeling like he doesnt fit in because over all, society is structured and built with the expections of most having the ability to grow and learn in normal ways and normal classroom settings. Special class room instruction and enviornments are available now but, not everyone has access to them. Again. This could be strike two for this child.
Trying to socialize this child in a more masculine way is NOT going to alter his identity with who he already feels he is. As they push him in this direction, he wil become more angry, defiant and resentful not to mention.. it will exassarbate his disphoria even more. He will continue to desperately seek out what he feels he needs to become more complete with his inner self. The suicide rate for transgendered children or even older persons is 60 percent higher than the national average. The struggle and pain becomes too great for some before they can "escape." I guess one thing to ask is Do the parents want a dead son or a happy daughter? They don't understand his pain and frustration and can't imagine this even being a remote possibility for him. Again, they don't have disphoria and gender identity disorder.
The therapist they are taking this child to is not a gender specalist and maybe they can't understand why the therapist hasn't picked up on this as a true issue or made a referral to a gender specalist or perhaps, they don't want to hear that from anyone so they take this approach instead. Many general therapist lack training or even exposure to this issue simply because they typically will never encounter someone with these types of issues. They may only be able to relate it to a "phase" in normal child development and are assuring the parents that it will pass with proper "conditioning" of the child such as including more " male" association in activities and events.
The parents may think that a gender therapist will confirm in a bias manner because that is their specality of expertise. They could learn so much by taking this child to a gendr specalist not only for his sake but, for their sake as well. Most "general" therapist don't even connect the dots with this behavior from their son and what it may truly be.
I wish them well but, while they think they are doing the right thing... I am sad to say, they are not. This kind of bias and predijuce is more common than understanding and acceptance. At least now. There is more awareness and information being put out there than ever before to hel shed light on something that once was taboo and often hidden from the rest of the world.
Thanks for all that you do to be a positive light for change in the lives of so many.
Namaste,
-ANONYMOUS
DEAR ANONYMOUS,
Thank you so much for sharing. Your note has given me and our readers valuable insight into the challenges transgendered persons face, as well as how the rest of society plays a role in their lives. I am deeply grateful for your time and honesty.
Although you may not think the parents are doing the right thing for their son, you are certainly doing the right thing - by reaching out and making your story and viewpoint known. I do agree that if the parents were to keep an open mind, they would definitely learn a lot from a gender therapist. But even if they don't, the fact that you yourself have spoken out to raise awareness about and educate us on your experience is one step forward for us all.
Love and Life,
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